Affirmations: FAQ, 1 of 2

“An affirmation is a seed we plant in our soul’s soil, awaiting its germination into our thoughts, hearts, and actions.”—K. Davis

About twenty years ago, a counselor I was seeing regularly suggested that I try “doing affirmations.” I was more than a little skeptical. But, since my life felt as though it was unspooling more rapidly than I could register, I agreed to give it a try. I honestly can’t remember the content of the first affirmation—most likely something like, “I give myself permission to take control of my life” or the equally impossible to believe at that time, “I forgive, and I set myself free.”

Although these statements may seem benign to you—as they do to me now—at the time, I simply didn’t buy that either of these could be applied to me, my life, or the “operating systems” that governed my belief system and as a result—my life story up to that time. It felt like I was being asked to work with the equivalent of a statement like, “My money grows on a tree in my backyard” or “There really is a Tooth Fairy.” But, I liked this counselor—she was the third one I’d tried—and I thought, What have I got to lose?

So, I stepped reluctantly into the beautiful, messy, awkward world of Affirmation.

Thank goodness.

I am now a firm believer in Affirmations—not simply because of my own embodied experience with them over the past twenty years—although, let me be clear, this is enough for me now that I’ve learned to trust my own embodied wisdom & life experience—but also because of my subsequent dive into brain-based learning theory.

Here, then, is a small, introductory gathering of Frequently Asked Questions and my responses to them. xo

Q: What is an affirmation?

An affirmation is technically ANY thought, idea—spoken, written, and/or stored within your body/mind. Unfortunately, we women harbor & give way too much “air time” to negative, self-limiting beliefs. But the thing is, these thoughts aren’t just a too-familiar kind of background noise; the thoughts we entertain now are actually the content of the “author”ized version of the life we’re living—for better or for worse. We are constantly in a state of affirming something. For far too many of us, the thing we’re affirming is a negative, limiting belief that keeps us stuck & stressed & more contracted instead of FLOWING and OPEN and GROWING.

Q: How do affirmations work?

So, when you become aware of a negative thought pattern, like you catch yourself thinking, “I’m not ___ enough” [insert a word that feels familiar, something like smart, creative, attractive, cool, young, flexible, mature, responsible, stylish, etc.], it’s a very good thing to call yourself out on the negative thinking”—”Good grief! I’ve got to stop all this negative self talk—ARRRGH!”

But, neuroscience is pretty clear that simply eliminating an undesired SOMETHING without replacing it with a NEW SOMETHING most often leads to relapse. So, this is where the intentional implementation of affirmations comes in. They’re kinda like custom-designed NEW SOMETHINGS.

Q: How do you “do” an affirmation?

I’ve read dozens and dozens of ways to create an affirmation practice. After years of playing around with what works & doesn’t for me & my lifestyle, I now pretty much rely on my established morning ritual in my backyard sacred circle (Yes, I DO KNOW how that sounds—but it’s so ME!!)—which involves breathing in the sunrise/morning with gratitude + repeating my current affirmations (with a lot of movement) & ends with a time of prayer & intention-setting at the center of the circle. The whole thing takes about 10 minutes.

I also engage in a kind of “short-term affirmation intensive” to support my SHOWING UP as my authentic self in those moments when I’m doing something that is unfamiliar, scary, or will require me to be vulnerable. For example, I recently was asked to attend a funeral where I knew that the majority of the siblings (whom I had all grown up with) were in the midst of some serious, blood-chilling division/argument/judgment/ shunning of one of their siblings. I debated going because—YUCKINESS WAS ABOUNDING. It would have been easy to come up with an excuse not to go—and to be honest, years ago, I would have politely and slowly backed away. Not my circus; not my monkeys, But, I was feeling the gut-need to, in fact, SHOW UP. For me. For the siblings. And to honor the man who had raised them (and in some significant ways, me).

To prepare myself before/during/and after the event, I reminded myself that all that was required of me was to show up in my authenticity, not be pressured to stay quiet OR to share my opinion. Not to get attached to any “weird vibes” that I might sense. So, I began repeating: “I show up as my authentic self & that is enough.” It may not seem like much, but it’s an affirmation of my continuing work—hard to do with people whose main knowledge of you is decades’ old. And, it worked. Maybe not in a tangible way for others looking at me. But inside? It felt so so different, and I was/am so very grateful for the shift within me—one that has taken me years to achieve—but, since I’m in this thing called life for the LONG GAME, I've learned to make an okay level of peace with the slow growth model. :)

What I recommend to all affirmation newbies is to “build the habit.” So, maybe begin by writing out the post-it note and posting it near your bed/on your ceiling above your bed, stuck to the front of your phone, etc.—somewhere the post it will be seen when you open your eyes. And then, saying the affirmation aloud as you stretch in bed. Do this every morning for a month or so, and then, once you’re in the habit of this, add in post-it note reminders in well-trod places (your car dashboard, your laptop, the refrigerator) & each time you see them, repeat them aloud. Then, layer in repeating the affirmation before and after a meal. If you write in your journal regularly, you might take a minute and copy out your affirmation. The idea is to surround yourself with the new and to use as many modalities as you can—so seeing it (eyes) + copying it out (touching it) + saying it aloud (ears & mouth) + “dancing it out” (whole body)—you get the idea.

It’s the same idea as when a preschooler is learning the very unfamiliar skill of reading. The teacher posts pictures all over the classroom that provide a written label for their learning environment. You know, sentence strips with carefully formed letters that announce: “play area” or “pencil sharpener” or “lunchboxes.” Then, s/he talks about these areas with students, s/he points to the words/letters and slows down her teacher-talk, helping each student connect the dots between letters/words/ideas. This is EXACTLY what we need to do when learning the very unfamiliar skill of affirming what is good and loving and life-giving and healing into our lives—slow down, surround ourselves with it, and help ourselves connect the dots between what we’re affirming and the way we’re actually SHOWING UP for our wild & precious lives.

In my next blog post, I’ll explore how to select and how long to work with an affirmation.

Until then,