good-bying basics, part 2 of 2
Not all Saying Good-byes are created equal.
Sometimes, Good-bye is as uncomplicated as pulling out of the Wawa parking lot following a pit stop. Easy, breezy, mac-n-cheesy!
Sometimes, Saying Good-bye is as terrifying and disorienting as having the Big Bad Wolf breaking down the door in the middle of the night, deliver a vicious bite, and then leave you to deal with the aftermath. Why, God, Why??
Sometimes, our Good-byes are a bittersweet reminder of Time’s steady progress, such as our happy tears at weddings and graduations and baby’s birthdays. Oh, please, Time, do we have to say good-bye to kindergarten so quickly?
(For more on these three kinds of Good-byes, click here to read part 1 of this blog.)
Of course, we Well-Seasoned Women are on a quest to flow with all of Life’s seasonings, freely & fully, knowing that as we practice showing up to Say Good-bye —or Say Hello or Hang On or Let Go, for that matter— that we’re saying YES to Life!!
Knowing this, it makes sense to spend awhile unpacking some of the fundamentals of Saying Goodbye—which is what this blog is all about. So without further ado, here are 5 pretty big things that I’ve returned to again and again when practicing Good-bye-ing that I thought you might find worthwhile as well.
#1 Saying Good-bye is simultaneously universal & personal.
If you’re a pet owner, you might relate to my family’s story. Every summer, for a number of years, the family suitcases came down from the attic in preparation for our annual beach vacation. As soon as Dexter, the boxer, saw the suitcases being rolled out, he settled into a week-long deep depression, pretty much refusing to eat or take interest in any diversion the dog-sitters attempted. He lost weight. He lumbered listlessly around the house with head and tail lowered in grief. Dang if he didn’t make it hard to say good-bye.
A few years later, after Dex had made the journey over the Rainbow Bridge, we adopted Pepper, the pit bull/black lab mix, who pretty much was happy doing her thing, whether we were there or not. Suitcases out? My family leaving me? No big deal. What’s for dinner? Dang if she didn’t make our good-bye feel, well, kinda insignificant (!).
Turns out, there’s a lot here to unpack. (See what I did there?)
It’s like, the Good-Bye comes to us all, but we’re wired to experience it in uniquely personal ways.
NOTE: This is why it’s pretty much a bad idea to ever say to someone who is encountering any kind of Good-bye— an illness, a death, time away from home—by saying, “I know how you feel”—because the truth is that none of us is going to feel it or express those feelings in exactly the same way. (Look for a future blog on how to best support others when their Saying Good-bye is especially difficult.)
In the meantime, let’s keep reminding ourselves that there are similarities to be found in every Saying Good-bye story, but our reactions to each one are ours alone.
#2 Practicing Saying Good-bye is worthwhile work.
When taking a class to learn how to sail, you’re naturally gonna get some instruction on how to sail in the daytime when the winds are optimal. But, it’s not gonna stop there, right? I mean, you’re also gonna get instruction in how to sail at night, how to sail in stormy weather, how to respond when there is no wind, etc. It’s a no-brainer that you’re naturally gonna encounter changing conditions while you’re out on the water, so you need practice in working with/navigating through each of them. It’s all a part of saying yes to Sailing Life.
I bet you know where I’m going with this.
As adult women, it’s important that we too practice WORKING WITH all the weather that we’ll naturally encounter on our voyage through every season of life. Saying Good-bye? Check. Saying Hello? Check. Hanging On and Letting Go? Check check.
We benefit from practicing with ALL of them because it’s all a part of saying YES to Life itself—and, honestly, what could be more worthwhile and worth reminding ourselves of than that? Even when Especially when the Good-bye is associated with one of Life’s big, thorny issues such as— death, relapse, disease, sexuality, eternity, God, addiction, loss, grief, divorce, etc.
#3 Understand that Saying Good-bye happens best as part of a natural, predictable cycle.
The first time I visited the Tanger Outlet Mall in Myrtle Beach, S.C., I had to keep referring to the posted map to gauge the path between the YOU ARE HERE marker and the location of the next store I was curious about. After that first visit, I’ve now got a much better handle on the path to take to get me from the parking lot, past the food court to the Old Navy store and then, just beyond that The Loft.
It’s a similar kind of thing when we embrace the seasonal cycle as a blueprint for moving through life in the right direction, on purpose.
Saying Hello always comes just past Saying Good-bye but before Hanging On, which is situated just before Letting Go. It’s a predictable order that allows us to avoid either getting stuck or missing out on something valuable to us.
Practicing how to Show Up for every season of our lives becomes much less confusing & much more strategic when we intentionally view both the YOU ARE HERE portion of the map alongside the bigger view that shows both where we came from and where we’re heading next.
It’s a toggle kind of thing that’s worthy of reminding ourselves & of practicing often.
#4 Your Saying Good-bye capacity grows to the degree that you’re building your Saying Good-bye muscles.
It does seem that we are each innately gifted with a combination of seasoning skills.
My sister-in-law, Jenny, is a nurse who is drawn to care for the literal wounded and suffering. On Instagram, I follow Alua Arthur, who provides Death Doula training to those drawn to come alongside individuals and families who are navigating end-of-life happenings. While traveling recently, I was thinking about how often the pilots and flight attendants were in the midst of Good-bying as they showed up to do their jobs.
Not all of us are as naturally attuned to working long-term in a field where there’s so much Saying Good-bye.
But all of us can grow our capacity to Say Good-bye, in much the same way as we build muscle— with much practice.
Will it be messy and awkward? Most likely.
Will our practice be imperfect? Almost definitely.
Will we make it through unscathed? Good God, I hope not. Because otherwise, there’s no #5. Keep reading.
#5 Saying Good-bye is a uniquely gifted season, filled with the mystery & magic of transformation.
It’s a fact that each season is chock full of its unique gifts and growth and goodness.
But, there’s something about the magical, mystical gifts of Saying Good-bye that somehow exponentially multiply the whole kit-and-caboodle associated with its one-of-a-kind seasoning.
But ch-ch-ch-change of ANY kind is often so very difficult for us, and every authentic Good-bye will definitely be accompanied by change and often, heartbreak.
But, it’s as if Life is saying, “Don’t be afraid; you can do this. Go ahead, climb into that cocoon, Say Good-bye to what’s been familar. I promise, something unexpectedly beautiful lies ahead if you can practice staying with it long enough for the transformation to happen.”
If you were a Sunday School kid as I was, then you’ll follow me when I frame it this way: Jesus turning water into wine at the wedding of Cana is the story of Saying Good-bye to one thing in order to allow its transformation into something MORE. It’s Jesus showing us with his own life that the universal pattern of Life-Death is actually the Life-Death-Rebirth Cycle.
If you are a reader of fairy tales as I am, then you’ll understand it this way: The ability to turn straw into gold requires Saying Good-bye to what you understood to be the inarguable properties of straw & then participating in the process by feeling that straw move through your fingers as you spin it, unleashing the MORE of transformation.
This kind of Good-bying makes real Change possible, even in the presence of heavy heartbreak. To frame Good-bying this way is a way to enrich Change as a practice of faith and grit and belief and imagination.
The secret is this: Sometimes Saying Good-bye is bone-scorching hard, but it is in the deepest dark (when all appears lost), that pure radiance is unleashed.
And the magic formula is this: The bigger the Saying Good-bye, the bigger the capacity for transformation.
You ready for this?
Until next time,
