good-bying basics, part 1 of 2
Sometimes Good-bye is rather uncomplicated.
For me (and maybe you), it looks like:
Walking in & out of a restaurant this past weekend when it was immediately evident that the staff was more interested in hanging out with each other than in noticing, greeting, or tending to their customers. No thanks; buh-bye!
Making the final car payment on my car. Oh, yes, bye-bye, baby, bye-bye!
Heading for home after an absolutely glorious weekend with friends, catching up & celebrating life together. I’m leaving here filled up with the goodness & love of friendship! Farewell!
Hitting SEND on this newsletter every other week. Good-bye, Newsletter; go do good work in the world!
Of course, there are the times when Good-bye comes at us like an unstable, unexpected monster.
If we live long enough, we’ll all experience a good-bye or thirty that picks us up in its teeth, shakes its head ferociously so that we’re dizzy & senseless, and then spits us out to deal with the aftermath. Here are a few of my monster good-byes, some that may resonate with you:
Sitting with a friend as she says good-bye to the marriage she thought she was in and grapples with the decision of whether to leave or try again with the same person, realizing that either way, it’s the loss of an innocence & the surety that came with it
Experiencing a crisis of faith in my late thirties/early forties that left me hanging off the edge of an emotional, spiritual cliff, feeling only the absence of solid ground beneath my feet & feeling completely isolated from all that had previously brought me comfort & a sense of certainty
Receiving the news that two women I love were in the midst of miscarriages—miscarriages of pregnancies that had been most joyfully anticipated
Listening to the news that Breonna Taylor had been shot while in her home, minding her own business, & was now dead
Most often, it seems that our Good-byes are bittersweet in nature.
In bittersweet good-byes, we sense the ending of something, but instead of being engulfed by terror at the reality of Life’s impermanence, we find ourselves also sensing the presence of Life’s profound beauty and sweetness smack dab in the midst of that impermanence . Can you relate to some of my own bittersweet moments?
Supporting a dear friend as she said good-bye to her breasts—profoundly sad for her loss, but grateful this surgery meant she had the sweet possibility of living to a ripe, old age
Retiring from my career as a professional educator, knowing I would deeply miss the people and the meaningful work while also anticipating the sweetness of What’s Next
Seeing my father’s lifeless body & understanding that those who loved him were in for a season of grief, but also realizing the sweetness of his crossing the threshold into his next chapter, pain-free, & full of trust in what was to come next
Moving a daughter into a college dorm room, and then later witnessing her getting married…only to feel some of that same bittersweet this Summer, as my two oldest grandchildren said good-bye to kindergarten and daycare, respectively (Time, slow down; you’re going so quickly!)
Making the decision, twice in one year, to send an ailing, aging family pet over the Rainbow Bridge—feeling the loss acutely while celebrating all the ways our lives were enriched and our joy magnified exponentially by having them both as members of our family
Sometimes, we’re the ones initiating the Good-bye.
Sometimes, we can do nothing but surrender to the Good-bye that is upon us.
More often, we’re simply showing up, as best we can, to participate in the natural unfolding of all of Life’s varying Good-byes.
Here’s the thing: no matter the Who, What, or When associated each the good-bye, we need to practice getting better at navigating all of ‘em.
Mostly because as a culture, we don’t do loss of any kind particularly well. And Saying Good-bye? Yep, it’s a loss kind of thing.
Even if the loss is very very very welcome, okay?
5 pretty big things to remember as we practice getting better at good-bye-ing
I mean, there are probably dozens of other fundamentals, but these 5 anchoring truths have supported me the most in my own good-bying. Just know, this list isn’t static, and if you’d like to share a cup of coffee and hash any of these out—or offer another fundamental for “list inclusion” consideration, let me know. I’m in.
In the meantime, let’s keep reminding each other that…
We’ll unpack all 5 of these in the next newsletter!
Until next time,
xo
