only kindness matters, right?
We women are strong, resilient, and practical.
For those we love, we move mountains to GET STUFF DONE &
communicate that they are loved, seen, and valued.
But how often do we practice being strong in pursuit of all things kind & compassionate towards ourselves?
I'm gonna make a bold and sweeping assumption and guess, not a lot. Or, at any rate, not enough. It's not our fault. It's our cultural conditioning.
So, during this week when so many of us intentionally celebrate our nation's beautiful, messy, muddied, and imperfect-yet-hopeful story of democracy, I'm suggesting that we take a little time to instigate a little personal revolution of our own.
Let's face it, we're culturally surrounded with messages--from Hollywood movies to social media influencers to advertisers--all conveying that we are hopelessly LESS THAN, even as they smile and engage and invite.
And if all the message swirling around OUT THERE aren't enough, we've each got that little, internal voice in our heads (that all to often sounds exactly like our well-meaning but critical mothers, or that mean girl in 10h grade, or, well, you get it) whispering again and again that we don't measure up as we are. That it'd just be better if we stayed quiet and small because, honestly, who do we think we are?
These external & internal voices can be relentless in their messaging:
"If you're not on this juice cleanse, then you're choosing to miss out on a long, healthy, life.”
“If you can't spend the time, money, and energy to create a back patio tablescape that looks as fabulous as this pinterest page, then, you are obviously lacking as a hostess.”
"If your children's summer schedule isn't full of minute-by-minute, meaningful opportunities to learn, grow, and connect with others, then you are failing as a mother.
If you can't lose 10 more pounds, stand up straight, and wear 5-inch heels all day, then you really shouldn't wear THAT.
[Insert your own, frequently repeated “mean messaging” here]
But the thing is, We don't HAVE to buy into these narratives; instead, we can draw upon our strength and resilience and gumption to CHANGE THE STORY THAT WE AREN'T WORTHY…and thereby CHANGE OUR LIVES.
And, changing the story is no less than we're meant to be and who we've been created to be.
I mean, so many of us wouldn't dream of allowing those we love to think such mean thoughts about themselves without our shouting out, “Heck-to-the-no! You are worthy of a much kinder, more compassionate story!!”
And yet, we've somehow come to think it's “normal” to have these thoughts about our own selves.
Sound familiar? You're not alone.
I've now coached dozens of women from a variety of countries as they make the incredibly brave decision to show up, just as they are, and practice setting boundaries that protect them from the tyranny of these inner and outer voices. To change their story. To live freer, fuller lives.
Plus, as I imagine you already guessed, I continue to coach myself in noticing & feeling & then reframing these messages that, sure, may not be “sticks and stones” but are still breaking our wild & precious soul-bones.
Q: Is mustering the strength to tame these voices easy?
Nope. I mean, these voices have forged some pretty deep grooves in our brains, making their “helpful” ("I mean, you don't wanna embarrass yourself, Kathleen by being too full of yourself!") admonitions, criticisms just seem normal. We frequently don't even register them consciously as they swirl around within, influencing our words, behaviors, and actions/inactions.
R: Is the work of changing how we think of ourselves honestly worth it?
Oh, heck-to-the-yeah. It's worth it because we are worthy. Our lives are meant to have meaning. And, our influence matters.
Ummm, here's my keeping it real share: I also don't want the voice of the inner critic whispering in my daughters' heads to be MINE. The best way to avoid that is to show up to do my own work. Dang it.
a declaration of non-dependence
So, here's the deal: I'm inviting each of us to commit to taking back our power to change the narrative.
I'm inviting us to challenge the tyranny of the negative, mean voices that make us feel chronically defeated, criticized, and perpetually lacking, and instead, ignite our own personal revolution by signing a “declaration of non-dependence”-- on anyone or anything that serves to make us feel unworthy or less than.
You with me?
Good.
I've got just the place to start.
practice setting boundaries
If you're like me, you know how easy it is to spend way too much time using our phones & laptops to fill in down time by scrolling on social media.
As social media is notoriously chock full of influencers & personalities & brand spokespeople whose steady highlight reel posts leave us with tons of icky, less than feelings, this is a good place to begin practicing gaining an AWARENESS of what is and isn't now okay.
So, here's the challenge: for the next month or two, let's practice setting some boundaries between our hearts/minds and these images & ideas that leave us perpetually discouraged about ourselves & our lives by gaining back our power in regards to our social media interactions.
#1 Reflect & purge.
Spend 10 minutes on each of your social media apps focused on unfollowing anyone whose posts habitually leave you feeling as though you don't measure up.
You may or may not “put them in timeout” forever-- it's up to you to decide. The important thing is our actively showing up to protect our minds/hearts by taking actual steps to throw out what has been proven to be toxic to our sense of self-worth. This will look different for each of us, and that's okay.
You most likely won't purge everything that needs purging in one session, so be prepared to click that Unfollow button whenever/wherever you discover it's needed.
#2 Bookend scroll time.
When picking up your phone to scroll, practice asking yourself, “What am I seeking and how much time am I willing to give it?” Then, when coming out of a scroll session, practice asking yourself, “What did I gain/lose from my time in there?”
Getting really clear about what is/isn't okay & what is/isn't working to build our self-kindness & compassion is vital, so establishing a habit of bookending can be a gamechanger.
#3 Give yourself a break--regularly and often.
This isn't about getting it perfect. It's about the practice, so we're gonna do our best not to berate or speak meanly to ourselves if when we mess up, okay?
Instead, we're gonna PRACTICE treating mess-ups as part of our ongoing growing process.
“Well, darn it. I would have preferred for that not to have happened, but I just got some good information confirming that THIS makes me feel badly about myself & therefore needs a boundary set between it and me."
Our cultural conditioning & our own experiences as women all too frequently result in our believing that somehow we don't measure up.
But, we have the power to change that story, simply by SHOWING UP & being willing to practice embracing the change we'd like to see in our world & our lives.
