perfectionism: a maiden tangle
Perfectionism is a THING.
I mean, I've seen how Perfectionism shows us in me, in the students I taught, in the educators I worked with, in the lives of the women whose groups I facilitated for Stasia's Style School, and in the lives of the women I coach and do life with right now.
Are you curious if you might be part of this wildly popular group?
Let's find out. To riff on a phrase made famous by comedian Jeff Foxworthy, You may be a perfectionist if….
You practice ALL or NOTHING thinking (If it's not perfect, it's a failure)
You have a pronounced need to get it right the first time
You fear making mistakes
You struggle to make decisions
You are quick to find fault with yourself and others
You set unrealistic expectations for yourself and others
You never feel fully satisfied
You often have a hard time starting + a hard time continuing + a hard time finishing
[You can read more about perfectionistic traits here.]
If you answered yes to a few of the above, then WELCOME, my friend. You are not alone!!
In our heads, Perfectionism can sound something like this:
Whoa, whoa, you better not risk it. You might get it wrong… Don't put yourself out there to show everyone that you make mistakes--yikes!… You don't even wanna try THAT (unfamiliar thing) because you know you'll only mess it up… Ummmm, what if you make a decision and it's WRONG? …Remember, if you're not first place, you're last place… Better that others see you as lacking motivation that lacking competence.
And on and on and on it goes. Feel familiar?
The thing is, our grasping for Perfection (and Perfection is an absolute illusion) leads us to get all tangled up in Perfectionism. And the costs of Perfectionism are simply too high for those of us aspiring to be Well-Seasoned.
See, Maiden (aka Spring) seasoning is all about taking risks, exploring our creative potentials, and playing around with what attracts us (all things we've been unpacking in my recent newsletters), and they're all things that the tangle of Perfectionism keeps us from FLOWING into and through.
Winston Churchill once said that “perfection is the enemy of progress.” You see where this leads, right? Since, the season of the Maiden is nothing if not all about making progress by feeling the hum of vitality buzzing in our bodies and then showing up and diving in and making mistakes right and left and learning from those mistakes and then feeling even more alive and diving in again. And again. And again. It's how learning/progress works. Maidening is the time in our creative cycle to create a foundation of options through experimentation and risk-taking, which we'll carry forward with us into the next season/portion of our creative cycle. If we get tangled up in Perfectionism, it can mean OUR FLOW THROUGH THE REST OF OUR SEASONS BECOMES COMPROMISED. Stunted. Even poisoned.
By the way, seeing how the season of the Maiden FLOWS into the season of the Mother (Summer) and then into the seasons of the Matriarch-Queen (Autumn) and the Crone (Winter) is what my Introductory Workshop is all about. I'm offering this FREE, 1-hour long introduction on two dates next month as a way of giving you information to help you decide if you're ready for my signature, day-long event in early August. I'd LOVE to have you jump on the call, get the skinny, and ask all your Well-Seasoned questions. It'll provide you with a framework upon which you can create a whole life of meaning and navigate life's big questions. It has for me, and it has for those with whom I've already shared it. It's THAT good, and I want to share it with everyone! You can read more about it in the In the Studio section of this newsletter or by clicking here.
So, how do we begin taming the tangle of Perfectionism? Here are a few ideas for us all to practice as we get started:
1. Practice increasing your awareness of the costs of Perfectionism. Make a list of the ways in which your relationship with yourself & others has been damaged due to the by-products of Perfectionism. These might include food & substance abuse problems, excessive workaholism, anxiety, chronic nervousness, feelings of inadequacy, fears of rejection, and joy-sucking, relentless criticism.
NOTE: Ummm, I'm just gonna call myself out on this one, ‘cause I have WASTED SERIOUS WORTHWHILE TIME on things that have robbed those I love of time/connection with me--like fussing with decorating when I should have been partying. Like cleaning when I should have been playing.
2. Practice setting non-negotiable time limits on tasks. “I'll work on my outline for 30 minutes, then spend 90 minutes cleaning, then move on to play with my kids.” Ask yourself: “Is my striving for perfection right now keeping me from doing something more worthwhile?” (BTW, if you haven't sat down and developed a list of prioritized values, this might be the time to do so.) Studies show that perfectionists spend roughly 50% of their time polishing 5-10% of the project. If this is the case with you, try affirming, “Because I value my time and relationships, I affirm that ‘Done is better than perfect.’”
3. Practice setting realistic expectations for yourself and others. If you are being given inklings/signs/feedback from yourself or others that the bar you set is impossible to meet, then develop a habit of checking yourself by asking how others might view your To Do lists and your Criteria for Completion. Keep this up until your own meter is calibrated more realistically with the beautiful, messy, awkward imperfection that is LIFE and relationships.
Note, I use the word PRACTICING for each of these because--we won't get them PERFECT (ever), nor will we even do them well right off the bat, right????? I mean, do you see how this works? OMG--it's like, "Let's be perfect at practicing overcoming Perfectionism!! Sheesh. The struggle is real.
For some of us, overcoming Perfectionism will be done through our own self-coaching. Others of us might wanna fast-track the untangling through a few professional coaching sessions, since coaching is about focusing on creating a path forward. (If this is you, I'd love for you to sign up for a free Discovery Call with me here.) Still others might need to engage in therapy to heal from Perfectionism with a traumatic origin.
However attaining Well-Seasoned FLOW looks for you, it'll be worth it to be able to fully experience a life of time and purpose, one season, one creative cycle at a time.
To discover more potential tangles associated with Maidening, you'll wanna read my new blog post here.
Until our next time together,
xo
